Don't You Wish To God I Would Just Shut Up? I Know I Do

So the thing is, I grew up in a small farming community in a place where there were almost no people and it was 100 degrees in the summer and 40 below in the winter. Wind blew every day. Every. Day. Population density less than 1 person per mile (so not kidding, almost no people). Weather could kill you. Snakes could kill you. Machinery could kill you. The occasional errant redneck could kill you.

See, there you go. Always talking, always going a little too far with the talking. I have always been this way. I grew up a relative weakling in a place where everybody was tough; a relative shrimp in a place where everybody was big. Little guy with a smart mouth, who could run fast - sort of. The only thing more dangerous than a big dumb guy is a big dumb guy who just figured out you are making fun of him.

Okay - again. Just shut the hell up. Is it my fault I think I am so clever and amusing? Well probably it is. But I have had help. Others have goaded me on.

A girl I used to know told me once, I love the way you think but I hate the way you act. This does kind of sum it up. I could shut up if I just found somebody who I felt was saying something more interesting than what I plan to say. It does happen. Just not too often.

My wife says I am good at always making everything into something about me. It's good to know I am good at something at least. But it would be hard for me to dispute this point she is making; I love her and I wish I could say she is wrong but I just got nothing to back up that argument. When somebody is talking on and on I start thinking, this is OK I guess but they should hurry up because what I just thought of, what is going on inside my head is so much incredibly more interesting to me than this stuff. I try to be polite and let the speaker finish saying the relatively uninteresting things they are saying before I start amazing myself verbally with my own cleverness and the artful turn of a phrase. But I don't always succeed. And somehow, who knows how, but somehow I always seem to not know what somebody was saying five minutes ago. It's downright embarrassing is what it is.

So I can turn almost any conversation around until it pertains to the very interesting things that I am thinking about. Is this wrong? Is it really my fault that at almost any time, in almost any place, I have the most interesting mind in the room? And I have such interesting experiences. And interesting viewpoints on those experiences. Of course I overthink every damned thing there is. Wouldn't you? It's the only thing I am skilled at. Thinking. There are reportedly those who love the way I do it, or so I have been told - see above.

But then of course I do something stupid. I say something stupid. I follow a clever, incisive or (let's face it) brilliant observation with remarks that indicate - oh oh, now he's gone too far. He really shouldn't have said that. Now there will be trouble. And so on.

Being kind of smart doesn't mean you never do or say something kind of stupid. In fact being kind of smart and talking incessantly without ever listening to anybody else, kind of guarantees that you will say or perhaps even do something transcendently stupid. I think I'm kind of smart (remember, there's all the overthinking going on). Let's say I'm 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, smartswise. But I think I am really really interesting and clever - we'll give that a 9.5 just because it would be kind of egotistical or even narcissistic for me to give me a 10. So far we are doing pretty good then (average of 8.25 out of 10 at this point). With an average like that I got admitted to law school (but then I quit). Isn't that interesting? That is an interesting average I think.

Now we run into trouble though. Next up, what is my skill level? Well, I am educated. But no, that's not a skill. And I am very articulate. But so what really? What can I do? Am I professionally trained to do anything, do I have experience actually doing things? Not looking so good here. Going to have to drop me clear down to maybe a 3 in this category which now means the average is shot all to hell. I can't build anything, I can't really operate much of anything, I definitely cannot fix anything. My hearing sucks and I only speak one language (unless you count provincial hillbilly as a second one). Not really mechanically inclined. Definitely don't understand computers. No blue collar capabilities at all really. I can argue pretty good, I can regurgitate trivial and nonessential information in great detail about subjects that almost nobody cares about (i.e., vintage comic books, 1950s blues music, 1960s baseball players, Western European history, poetry written by Jim Carroll, etc.). Seems to me I only have one real talent that has ever advanced me or made me sort of a living. I can talk. Boy, can I talk. I can string them words together so it sounds like I might actually know what I am talking about when probably I don't. So that's what I do I guess.

Those who can't do, talk about it instead. Not really teaching unless somebody else is listening and you actually know what you are talking about.

And speaking of that - is anybody out there still reading this crap? In fact was anybody reading it at any point? C'mon. I'm being a little clever here you have to admit. I'm not really ramping it up to be super clever or ultra interesting. I'm just kind of cruising with it. And hey, guess what - it's all about me. This is in fact what I appear to be best at.

When I was a kid it became my goal to always make somebody laugh. It was more fun when I made them laugh at an inopportune time (like my cousin when he had a mouth full of jello), or when I got them to laugh at somebody else - particularly somebody else who would just kick the holy living shit out of me if they knew.

But remember, I have always gone just a little too far. One needs plausible deniability. If you are caught red handed, if the wrong guy overhears your bullshit, the fact that you are a way better arguer or a way more clever talker or even way smarter than this guy, isn't going to do any good. They are going to fucking kick your ass at this point. End of story. The only thing to fall back on is the fast running, which is a short term solution, a stopgap measure. In a place where there is only 1 person per square mile, you are still going to cross square miles with that person again at some point. Even dimwits have pretty great revenge memory. This situation is not good.

So we are right back at that point, the salient question here - when in the hell am I going to just shut up? In some pathetic attempt at validation I am always trying to impress somebody with my cleverness. Even people I don't really like I am trying to impress them. Usually this doesn't cause much trouble with people I don't like or don't know (because I don't care what they think, at least not much - just so long as I got their attention). But when it involves somebody I like, and who I really would like to like me - I ALWAYS SAY TOO MUCH, I always go a little too far. A clever point with precise timing turns into an embarrassing blather when the timing breaks down and the word salad rushes into the gap in sound that has been initiated. It's probably true that the likelihood of this goes up slightly when a good looking woman is involved. I'll admit that. So I am a lecherous old coot. So sue me. Man, I tell you. I can say and even do some of the stupidest shit you can imagine.

I must somehow feel inferior even though I think I am superior to most folks in the ways that matter to me. If I wasn't so insecure why would I be trying so hard to impress somebody that I think I am superior to? Answer: I must not really think I'm superior - or else I just don't think they know I am and why do I care if they know unless it's just more insecurity? Why would I want to be superior? Or think I am? I am just a jibber-jabbering jackass and all this piss-poor prattle just proves it. No wonder the big strong rednecks always tried to clobber me and the rattlesnakes always tried to bite me and the winter weather always tried to freeze me. I am an idiot. A self-centered asshole. No use denying it.

Because after all, it's all about me now, isn't it?

And now if you will excuse me, I am going to go get a pizza (with what I know to be the best possible toppings on it). And I do thank you for reading this stuff - which has been all about me if you haven't noticed or if I haven't mentioned it lately.