Most folks were just enjoying their first morning cup of coffee at this hour, but Porno Rabbit was already hard at work. He was highly motivated by last night’s impromptu delivery of a funny looking bag with big stacks of hundred dollar bills inside, courtesy of his pal Cracky, 97% dead but still perhaps ten or twenty percent useful, depending on your method of measure.
In a vocation not generally known for high ethical or professional standards, Porno liked to think his work stood out, that he was a cut above your average sleazeball scumbag filth-purveying reprobate, a rung or two up the ladder from the gutter-crawling scurrilous wretches who typically pursued this particular calling. Maybe Porno crawled like a slimy worm across the fat belly of society but at least he tried to do so with some sense of personal pride and dignity. Eat dog or die, his current motivational mantra, kept echoing about in his brain as he set himself to work. He tried to push from his mind the fact that Cracky had obviously done both, and probably more recently and frequently than one would care to consider.
He had already made some calls to get the ball rolling on production of his new “art film” starring the mayor of Butte. He had reviewed the footage that was stored on his hand-held camera. Times had been so tough he had been forced to sell or trade much of his equipment, as well as a big part of his orifice-equipped inflatable doll collection – but the camera was something he would never part with. He considered it his life’s blood.
He had already called his favorite film editor and arranged to do some production work with him later that day. He needed a source for mass producing a number of quality prints and he was working on that – he had done a lot of work in and around Butte in the past few years and had managed to develop a halfway decent network of operators. His internet guy would get to work on some well-placed advertising and maybe a brief spot on youtube (it would be quite innocuous but tantalizingly suggestive as well, if they did it right). There were other elements he was still piecing together and he was confident he could turn this into a quick money maker of perhaps record-setting magnitude. Of course it took startup cash to grease the wheels of progress and get all these people and processes in motion. Thanks to Cracky, he now had more than enough.
He envisioned about a twenty minute production, and reviewing his mayoral footage he was sure he could pull that together with no problem. The actual footage of the mayor romping through the local den of iniquity would be spliced together with some stock footage of material that Porno considered to be appropriately symbolic or suggestive. This would include Adolph Hitler giving a heated and maniacal speech while his Nazi horde went goose-stepping across the screen – as well as the usual clips of trains entering tunnels and so forth. Perhaps he could cap the big moment with an exploding hydrogen bomb scene, filmed in the Nevada desert in the 1940s. And a soundtrack heavy on appropriately dramatic classical music complete with big kettle drums and cannon fire. He had a knack for this sort of thing.
Also he was working on a title for this new little masterpiece. He had thrown around a bunch of options but had pretty much settled on “Ladies and Gentlemen, Jizz On Her, The Mayor”. If this was too wordy he might leave off the “Ladies and Gentlemen” part. He really liked the sound of it though.
The politics of local placement and distribution were important as well – he had to get enough prints of the film out there locally before he actually contacted the mayor. Then when he agreed to sell “His Honor” the original print for a tidy (and hopefully ongoing) sum, there would already be so many copies spread strategically about, that giving up the original (if he actually did so) would be pretty much inconsequential to the whole operation. Definitely he had to get some prints in the hands of the local biker gang. The clumsy cogs of local Butte and Silverbow County government would be no match for Porno’s well-oiled machine.
This was just so damned exciting – he had to really work to keep his foot from lapsing into the thumping reaction that he found so pleasant and so disgraceful. Whatever he might be, Porno really grated at the notion of behaving like the stereotypical cartoon rabbit. If there was any comparison there at all, he liked to think of himself as sort of a well-hung Bugs Bunny – except one who didn’t spend so much time dressed in drag.
In order to placate Cracky and keep him out of the way, Porno had given him some of the money (not much) so he could go and do whatever it was that he did with money – spend it maybe, but more likely lose it or set fire to it or tear it into little pieces and throw handfuls of it into the breeze. Porno didn’t really care, as long as he left the ambitious bunny alone. Part of the investment of capital here was to keep Cracky from screwing up the process. He thought his dead pal had said something about finding “Mystery Dog” and doing something for him with the money, but Porno hadn’t really been paying too much attention at that point. He didn’t know or care what Cracky could do for the stupid dog. If he wanted to get that mongrel a shampoo and a trim,, or maybe a nice acidic sheep dip, it seemed like a worthwhile activity to Porno.
Porno was also savvy enough to know that whoever had lost that money was going to be looking for it. He didn’t really think there was any way they could connect it to him or Cracky, but he wanted to get things going as fast as he could and keep a watchful eye out for signs of trouble. He was pretty confident that his quick actions probably had him miles ahead of any potential pursuit – unless the money’s previous owner had been up late last night invoking the powers of God Almighty on his behalf. This odd notion came to him out of nowhere and seemed so ridiculous that Porno couldn’t help but smile at the thought.
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