KILL A PUMPKIN OR ELSE IT KILLS YOU FIRST

(a public service message)

A knife in the head will kill a pumpkin.  Every time.  Guaranteed.  And a pumpkin is all head.  So end of story?  Maybe.  But wait, it’s just not always that easy.

A pumpkin is a cerebral type of guy.  Inside his cranium are the seeds of a thousand different notions, ideas, plots, and theories.  Most of them are directed at getting the better of you.  You have to remember that.

If you carve a face in a pumpkin first it will really piss him off, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes they get so hacked off over it that they lose focus.  They forget their well laid plans.  A good rule of thumb is to keep a pumpkin off guard.  They always have well laid plans. 

And they are always found in packs.  Or patches.  The evil plotting bastards.  They maybe are a sedentary animal but don’t let that fool you.  they will sit and make plans all day and all night if it suits them.  They overthink everything.  So you have to assume a pumpkin has plans of some sort and that they are directed towards bringing about your downfall.  Fact is, they have ads all over Craigslist if you know how to look.  They will resort to just about anything.

You might think you can just scoop out all the trouble from their pumpkin head, by cutting a flap in the top and digging out the seeds and pulpy stuff.  It doesn’t work that way though.  If you do that you will just refine the pumpkin’s diabolical point of view.  There is always one seed left.  And then all the vitriol, and the ire, is focused on that one idea.  De-braining a pumpkin just gives it a hard driven singleness of purpose.  Kind of like a Republican.

But as I said before, you can kill a pumpkin with a knife to the head.  First you might have to carve it though, so it recognizes for itself that it has a head (or is a head?), and therefore can be stabbed in the head, and killed.  Self-awareness is key.  There is no use trying to kill anything that doesn’t know that it can be killed.  This is sometimes known as the Soupy Sales Principle. 

Some pumpkins know they can be killed, even if they don’t have a face to think through.  These pumpkins are the most dangerous because they are a hidden threat.  They can come at you out of nowhere.  They can fall off a wagon, or a wall like some orange Humpty Dumpty and land on you and that’s all she wrote.  They can lull you into complacency by exhibiting their apparently placid, featureless countenance.  You think they are just a big round happy gourd with no agenda.  You don’t know that they want you dead.  They want it bad.  And given the chance they will roll over you, brother; count on it.

Every pumpkin thinks a lot about things like killing, and being killed.  What else can they think about?  There’s no use thinking about running a decathlon.  They can’t waste their time thinking about getting laid.  Although they might anyway.  They can even put an ad on Craigslist hoping to get laid – but it ain’t happening for even the most suave of the pumpkins.

You might think this is all catty whoopers and tomfoolery.  Well, there are things in this world you don’t understand.  Things I don’t understand.  Things even Bugs Bunny don’t understand.  When Halloween comes around it can get weird.  Rules can change.  Great eggs can sit on brick walls wearing striped pants and clip-on neckties, and they can fall and get all smashed and smeared up right on top of a bunch of royal servants of the king.  And pumpkins can be right in there with them.  If a pumpkin is involved, you will be targeted for elimination.  Take that with you to the bank next time you go.

So Okay you might ask; okay then what do we do?  There is only one thing to do, and that is to kill all the pumpkins in a pre-emptive strike, before they get the drop on you.  You have to set out from home with a big butcher knife, and kill every pumpkin you can find.  You can carve it & kill it or you can just slice through its arrogant skull, stem to stern.  You can stave in the pumpkin skull with a Louisville Slugger.  If you come upon a whole cult of them huddled in front of the grocery store you can smash through the whole nest of them with your car going full blast.  You can even be playing a CD by “Smashing Pumpkins” as you do this.  That is known to people and to pumpkins as poetic justce, and the pumpkins hate it.  It really chaps their ass (so to speak) to hear that as a Buick LeSabre is crunching right over the top of them.  Stupid pumpkins anyway.  Serves them right.

You should be proud of eradicating the pumpkins.  It is a service to your species and fellow meat eaters.  You can even get a big tattoo on your belly that says “Pumpkin Killer” if you want.  You can put a bumper sticker on your car.  It’s all good.  This is a great way to find some empowerment, to feel good about yourself.

But for Christ’s sake will you hurry up with it?  Halloween is just around the corner.  Get out there and do your duty.  Or else prepare to find yourself as the short-lived star in “Nightmare on Pumpkin Street”. 

Don’t you think it can’t happen, Mister.