Hillbilly Virus Update

I will be taking a brief break from the diary of the Hillbilly Virus and will instead offer up other meaningless and unjustifiable drivel for an entry or two.  So please breathe a sigh of relief.  Don't worry - as with any other liquid moron, my idiocy will eventually rise to the surface once again.

Cereal of the Damned

Oh Yes, it's true - it's the Hillbilly Virus and every city boy everywhere is catching it and screaming for it and rallying to oppose it and the most miserable and downtrodden amongst us are the perennial standard bearers.  Raise high the roof beam, carpenters - Chicken Little has grown into a Frankenstein and no need to have him hitting his head on the landscape while he kisses the sky.

People are crying so many vicious tears that their eyeballs are turning inside out.  The Hillbilly Virus - the name just conjures the images.  First people are losing the ability to count on their toes and then they are losing their toes.  Compulsive whittling is rampant. If you see some contaminated geeznislaw stumbling in the street - knock off his strawberry hat, and two more will menacingly arise to take its place.  Just like that.

Have you ever seen a shirtless bearded man with no teeth, hoeing in his back yard and at the same time he suffers a Gran Mal seizure?  If he happens to be wearing old denim bib overalls they will invariably spontaneously combust.  As he stands flaming and dying, the recalcitrant hick finds that the only song going through his head, over and over, is "Feelin' Groovy" - his scorched brain keeps asking "Is it Simon? Is It Garfunkel? Is it Harper's Bizarre? Should I throw myself off the 59th Street Bridge?" and other similar dilemmas.  Foraging squirrels have a better chance of living to see the next sunrise.  So goes the legacy of the dreaded Hillbilly Virus.

Hawk Media

This just in - the humans have all stopped moving and the green tincture from their faces has slipped, soaking into the mouth through the lips and gums.  The vermin, the plague, the phenomenon which has become known as the Hillbilly Virus, has paralyzed and philosophized the media and the police.  We can't stop it, the cops say, nothing works; so let's go have a donut and an egg cream and tomorrow we will pass blood in our feces and everything will be as it should be.   There is a God in the heavens and there are green teeth inside the festering gums - and isn't it great to be alive!  Indeed.  It is a great time to be alive in our great nation - indivisible and so on and so forth.

Hillbilly Virus: Rambling Preamble

An empty dog is like a sock drawer filled with crushed soda crackers.  The waltzing hog behind my ear is posing as a hearing aid but his hooves are in flames and the fat is melting right off his body.  He is howling like the wind.  The only thing that can resolve this turgid situation would be if I were able to get a chainsaw and cut Charlie Brown in half, following the jagged line across the front of his sweater.  I will have to get back to you on that.