Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Mabel in the Stable Painting Caleb's Table

Social media was being lambasted by the Hillbilly Virus. High tech electronics were devastated and rendered useless.  The only thing tweeting was a bird here and there.  Television programming was "Hillbilly-ized" across the nation.  There were only three channels and they all were playing the same thing: episodes of "Hee Haw", "Mayberry R.F.D.", "The Real McCoy", "Francis the Talking Mule", "Petticoat Junction", "Green Acres" and cartoons featuring Mushmouse and Punkin Puss.  It may sound like a lot of variety but it wasn't.  

Radio stations all switched over to bluegrass and country ballads and a strong dose of country gospel by folks like the Louvin Brothers, who were horrifically exhumed.  Cell phones were paperweights (although paper was now in short supply).  Long johns with a built-in trapdoor and groundwater divining rods moved up to drive the stateside retail marketplace.  

Bank presidents and yodelers bought floppy straw hats, cut eye holes in them, and pulled them down to their noses.  Razorback hogs rioted in the streets (where there was room around all the other riots).  Things were so bad after dark that a seriously debilitated Congress attempted to pass laws making night time illegal.

Nobody knew what to do, so most people just started eating Fig Newtons and walking through trailer parks waving twenty-dollar bills above their heads.  It was provincial chaos.

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